When I committed myself 

to creativity, 

I secretly hoped

it was going 

to heal me. 

 

And it did, 

but not 

in the way 

I thought. 

 

It started 

with an intention: 

 

To become 

an open channel 

for creativity.

 

I would ask myself

each morning,

“what does the universe 

want to create 

through me 

today?” 

 

… and then surrendered 

to whatever came next. 

 

I overcame fears 

and pushed edges—

and it also 

brought me 

to deeper ones.

 

I let myself 

be seen—

and also hid 

in new

less obvious 

ways.

 

I had experiences 

of profound

connectedness—

and also felt 

farther away 

from grace 

than ever.

 

I became 

so sensitive 

to subtle changes 

in light

in expression 

in texture

in sound 

in the flow of energy 

in the body

and in nature.

 

Images

words

feelings

poems in their entirety 

would all emerge 

from the darkness 

and ask 

to be made 

into form. 

 

I sensed the earth

in my bones

and the ocean 

in my hands

the wind 

whispered when 

and which paths to take

and the sun 

seeped into me

and made a home 

in my chest. 

 

I became distinctly aware

of the genius 

in everyone, 

blinding and obvious—

their love 

and innocence 

shone through 

their every breath.

 

And despite 

all of this,

just below 

the surface

I wondered—

what if there really 

isn’t space for me

in this world?

 

In the void,

I still breathe

I still feel

I still wonder—

and something

still

pulls 

me

deeper.

 

Its like 

some part of me 

thought if I could just 

fix everything 

about myself 

if I could figure out 

how to do life “right” 

I would finally feel

worthy and valuable—

that I would

give myself

permission to exist.

 

But what if 

I’ve been asking myself

the wrong questions?

 

Because maybe

there isn’t space

in the world

for me

at all—

at least,

no space 

for ideas of 

what I am

or what I am not.

 

For what happens

if we give ourselves 

completely over

to whatever this is?

 

What happens 

if we let our 

limiting beliefs die?

 

What happens 

if we become

fully alive?

 

I am open

and opening.

 

I let go 

of every desire

every attachment

aversion

and resistance

every idea of how

things are supposed 

to be…

 

Until life,

I’m yours.

​

Show me what’s real.

 

Show me truth.

 

Move through me 

and make me new.

 

For beyond myself

there is something else

entirely—

something constant

something powerful

something simple

gentle

unshakeable 

and achingly

devastatingly

beautiful.

 

And that?

 

That is worth

asking 

questions 

about.

​

--

​

"What Happens if We Become Fully Alive?"

by Emilia Ann

© 2022 Divine and Human